| glittering with desire |

The older I get, the more my heart reveals its deepest desires.  

Lately I've been shown such desires through people.  

It starts with someone who gently holds my heart.  Have you ever been so lost with a person that the rest of the world seems to melt away?  His presence is a song only I can hear; its melody overflowing with bliss and serenity.  There's nothing quite like the indescribable notion that your souls are made of the same fiber.        

It continues by way of a gracefully aged spirit, whose unconditional love radiates like the sun.  Her wisdom and well-deserved understanding of life present a rare gift.  Any moment spent with her reminds me that love is the most profound blessing, that family binds our fragile hearts together and that at the end of the road you will only remember the way people made you feel.

It weaves through two kindred spirits, whom are a testament to the purest devotion.  I can still see the spark in their eyes that continues to shed hope on this seemingly broken world.  They generate the most imperfectly wonderful essence; an essence that makes everything good again.

Desires of the heart are genuinely unshakeable.  

They are what make us human and make us beautiful.

How to be a Human

Overthinking is a slippery slope which often times leads to the creation of "mind problems."  I don't know about you but I have a knack for combing through every tiny detail, questioning, and second guessing everything.  To be honest, it's as much of a curse as it is a blessing.  The curse side made itself known in the past couple of months, bringing out a fragile, confused, less sparkly version of myself.  While being in that place was sad, uncomfortable and overwhelming it was also freeing.  I learned that my thoughts don't control me.  A strange concept, that we are capable of holding our selves back and causing more harm than good.  How have I come to deal with my flaws?  By realizing that we are made of many parts. Our mind, body, soul and spirit are no doubt connected; but also distinctly separate.  Our mind can change our heart and vice versa, our heart affects our soul...while I'm far from understanding my inner workings, I do know the value of letting one component override another.  Sometimes your heart, which can only be felt through emotion (which by the way is a state of consciousness) knows better than your brain.  Having the courage to listen to your gut is invaluable. Sure, we're highly intelligent and complex beings, with the ability to reason but we are also deceivingly simple.  We require food and water, everything else is extra.  Personally that fact is encouraging.  While dealing with my inner self may seem all important, the reality is that I am one very small part of the universe, only here for a blink.

Which brings me to my next point.  "What is the meaning of life?"  "What is my purpose?"  Well folks, I've got no idea. Plus, that requires a lot of extra pressure and thinking time that I do not have.  But I do know what makes me smile, cry, laugh, contemplate, feel alive, get out of bed, sing, dance and most of all live.  These things are worth my energy and get me out of my head and into the world. It's people, who are tangible and wonderful and shape who I am while encouraging me to discover myself.  They are the ones who believe in me when I don't believe in myself, who love me despite by emotional outbursts, who remind me that while I sometimes feel alone, I most certainly not.  I want to thank everyone I've crossed paths with, especially those that love me unconditionally.  You know who you are and you should know that you are the glue to my ever cracking self.

So what am I getting at?  Being a human is both extraordinary and miserable.  Which is why I'm trying to simplify my complexities, and focus on the extraordinary.  By treating myself with compassion and being proud of any achievement, I've managed to reignite my spark. Oh, and being hugged tightly by those I love hasn't hurt either.

Shrinking Down

This past June marks my three year anniversary of graduating High School.  Sitting on the PCHS football field in front of all the people that believed in me, it seemed like my whole life was changing. What had been four years of reliable stability was no longer a reality.  Yes there was plenty of fear attached to this next chapter but was I excited?  Of course! Facing my future head on and stepping into the unknown, I was reassured by the various remarks which involved something along the lines of "college is the best four years of your life."  I packed my things, said goodbye to my family through tear stained eyes and slept in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar place.  Long story short I had an unforgettable Freshman year and learned more about myself than I could've ever imagined; including giving up a part of my identity to move forward in this messy life.

Well here I am, currently staring my Senior year in the face with a (constantly wavering) mixture of excitement, fear, relief, confusion and joy.  It's true what they say: life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.  This has held especially true for me recently, looking back at the past couple of years and recognizing the person I've become through the adventures I've experienced.  Have I "found myself"?  Personally, I think that idea is a bit unattainable.  How am I supposed to "find myself" when I'm constantly learning about the world, being shaped like soft clay and never really taking on a consistent shape?  Of course in many ways I'm still the same Rachel I was in High School and even in Middle School.  But, as life is constantly changing, so am I...and I've decided that is my favorite part about this journey so far.  The power of freewill is both liberating and terrifying, we are unrestrained to live our lives the way we please.  I think if this freedom is used in the right way, it opens the doors to a whole new way of living and navigating our way in this world.

Basically I guess I've just come to the realization lately that we are all different, really different, and that is what makes our time here so beautiful.  I will never meet another person who shares the exact same views as me or has experienced exactly what I have experienced.  And while growing up may sometimes feel like shrinking down, I think it's important to give ourselves credit while embracing the fact that we are free to change and flourish.  I know not everyone is blessed with a life in which they can pursue their dreams or switch their path but I do believe we all possess an inherent ability to create ourselves.  That, my friends, is a wonderful truth worth holding onto, in a world where almost nothing seems certain.  Oh and by the way, while college may be "the best four years of your life" it's also some of the hardest and I think it's about time we tell that to High School graduates as well.

A Bittersweet Farewell

The Leisure Club

     A year ago this weekend, I received a call (somehow, with limited service, in the middle of Washington, surrounded by hippies, celebrating music at Sasquatch), that my soon to be roommates had found the perfect house!  Three bedrooms, a kickass backyard and plenty of space for new memories to be made.  I couldn't have been more excited, I mean really, when would I get another chance to live with two unbelievably awesome women?  Summer 2013 was one for the books, including but not limited to the best "barbecue" little ol' Salt Lake had ever seen.  

Yep, things were good. The fun just did not stop, there was no shortage of:

 mermaid dance parties, 

netflix binges, 

marshmallow covered popcorn eating, 

twerk sessions, 

cry fests,

wine tastings,

clothes borrowing,

late night Hector's runs,

dirty dishes,

Trader Joe's products,

D.I. decor,

empty liquor bottles,

laughter,

love,

and life.

      

Funny how things come full circle.  This weekend not only marks the one year anniversary of The Leisure Club but also marks the beginning of my new journey.  While I'm definitely excited for the next "chapter" (if you will), I can't deny the sadness that wells up inside me every time I come home to our now barren walls.  I learned a lot this past year and I owe a good majority of it to this house and the people who filled it up.  Thanks for dealing with my weird cleaning habits, grumpy moods, countless naps and most of all just accepting me.  It's moments like these that I'm grateful for the reminder that it isn't what's around me, but who.  

So here's to our Junior year of college, a wonderful rollercoaster ride and the part of life that never fails to throw me for a loop.  Change is hard but I sure am lucky to have spent a year with you two.

Let's show Senior year who's BOSS!     

The Epic "Barbecue"

Can't forget about Bid Party!

"But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all."

Boots, Bows & Bravery.

"Give and it will be given to you.  Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over will be put into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."

-Luke 6:38

So last night my sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma, attempted to pull a fast one on our dear sister, 

Catalina Ritzinger.  She was practically fresh out of the car from a fairytale weekend at Coachella and wanted nothing more than to sleep in her cloud like bed for a few days.  To her (possible) dismay, 

we had other plans.  

A little back story: Catalina is a two time cancer survivor and is now faced with an above the knee amputation.  Hands down one of the strongest people I know, in every sense of the word.  I'm a natural "fixer" and as soon as I found out the amputation news I wanted to comfort Cata and instill upon her my 20-year-old wisdom.  Well, lo and behold my words fell short and I was left standing there in a puddle of tears.  That moment taught me two things, 

1) I don't know everything 

2) Sometimes people don't need to be fixed, only heard.   

Despite those epiphanies I still wanted to do something to make her life a little easier.  As the Event Chair for Kappa, I'm given a hefty budget and had some money left over at the end of the semester.  I, along with two other wonderful sisters combined our budgets and decided to put on a big celebration in honor of Cata.  What started as an idea bloomed into a night filled with love, friends, family, kind strangers, laughter, tears, hugs, big hearts, barbecue, fiddlers, mason jars, yellow daisies, string lights, flaming lanterns (and almost trees), boots and most importantly hope.  

Hope for Catalina.  

A hope that this obstacle will turn into a minor speed bump.  

A hope that her strength, resiliency and bravery will be enough. 

 A hope that no matter where she turns she'll find a friendly face and warm embrace.

A hope that promises a better day, filled with sunshine and joy.

A hope that, at the end of the day, she knows how much we love her.

God was smiling down on us last night.  I sensed it in the warm Spring air, I saw it on the faces of all the people that came to support, I knew it when the lanterns ceased to burn down Greek Row and I felt it in the deepest part of my heart.  I'm so grateful to be a part of something bigger than myself and something that cares so much for the people around it.  

So here's to you, Cata, may your bravery inspire the rest of us to lead a more fearless life!

Howdy!

The Setup

Country Swing Band!

All the amazing people who came out to support

Group Hug!

Never Could I Ever Have Chosen Something Better <3

Leaving The Way You Came

     Death is a strange thing.  I like to think I'm not afraid of dying, rather afraid of the part leading up to it. It's comforting to believe my existence matters, but watching someone on they're way out is sobering...to say the least.  My great grandmother was a wonderful woman.  Once a skater in the Ice Capades, a mother of two amazing children, a loving wife, a proud Greek, a sassy lady and a whole list of other things.  Of course she'll be greatly missed but as with anything else life goes on.  All we take with us is our soul and all we leave is a memory.  I guess what I'm getting at is this: I want my memory to last.  Not in a famous, celebrity type way, but in a way that people remember how I shaped their life and encouraged them to lead a better one, filled with love.  If I was put on this Earth for the sole purpose of loving and being loved, than that's enough for me.  All I can hope for at the end of this strange life is that I'll be surrounded by people who care about me, filled with spiritual contentment and little, if no regret.

Oh and, by the way, Great Grandma Joann passed away on her 91st birthday.

Pretty good timing if you ask me.